14> As if the girl-girl porno action weren't tacky enough, you can actually see the strings holding up the planets.

 13> Somehow, R2-D2 manages to give Darth Maul the finger.

 12> Right when Obi-Wan is about to whip out his "lightsaber," the screen goes blank and you have to
put in another 50 cents.

 11> Queen Amidala looks suspiciously like one of the Olsen twins.

 10> As Leia Orgasma takes off her clothes, you realize you've stumbled into "The Phantom Moan-fest."

 9> The "lightsaber duel" consists of nothing but two guys with Nerf baseball bats making lightsaber
noises with their mouths.

  8> None of the previews mentioned the evil Darth Diggler or queen Ches-Ti Ho.

  7> The scene of the young Anakin Skywalker straddling his Pod Racer -- arms outstretched
-- shouting, "I'm Lord of the Universe!" is just a tad derivative.

  6> "Help me, Monica...  You're my only hope!"

  5> Leslie Neilsen as "Dark Mall"?!  I don't friggin' think so!

  4> Yoda looks awfully pale, and he keeps saying "Taco Bell, yo quiero."

  3> "Starring Jerry Mathers as The Menace," just doesn't sound right.

 2> Anakin Skywalker is played by a small black child whose only line is "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
 

          and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Not Watching the Real "Phantom Menace"...
 

  1> You're having trouble reading the subtitled translations for Obi "Juan" Kenobi.
 
 

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