Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
Richard Lewis

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an
all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.   David Stienberg
 

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . .  they have
no holidays.  Henny Youngman

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap
will
not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is
Jewish woman.    Jules Farber

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If
you
live  in Butte, Montana, you are going to be gentile even if you are
Jewish.    Lenny Bruce

God, I know we are your chosen people, but next time
couldn't you choose somebody else for a change ?
Shalom Aleichem

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years
she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
been found.   Calvin Trillin

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us
forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the only place in
the
Middle East that  has no oil!
Golda Meir

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
Peter Malkin

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
Fran Lebowitz

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Benjamin Disreali

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and
then don't say it.   Sam Levenson

Don't be humble; ...you are not that great.
Golda Meir

God will pardon me. It's His business.
Heinrich Heine

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in
fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money
in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
Sam Goldwyn

A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Sam Goldwyn

Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
Arthur Miller

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I
buy something.    Jackie Mason

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to
achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in
an institution?
Groucho Marx

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy
Groucho Marx

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when
he comes to it.
Oscar Levant

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country
are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
George Burns

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives
feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
Mort Sahl

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell
me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
Sam Goldwyn

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Ernie Kovacs

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
Henry Kissinger

Saturday is my traditional day of rest, but if I am forced to
rest on Sundays too, I won't complain.

If you could choose.... Look Irish... Dress British... Think Yiddish.
 

Life is not fair.  Jesus never had the opportunity to become
a Christian.