One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a
parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher
and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid
- the parrot was his at last!

           As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I
sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much
for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

           "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you
think kept bidding against you?"
 

Parrot 2

           A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a
parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey
lady, you are really ugly." The lady is furious!

           She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she
saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really
ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

           The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you
are really ugly."
 
           The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said
that she would sue the store and get rid the bird. The store manager apologized
profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it
again.

           When the lady walked past the store that day after work the
parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

           She paused and said, "Yes?"

           The bird said, "You know."
 

Parrot 3

           On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot
strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee
and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky, wench."

           The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the
parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the
omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get
me another whisky, you stupid thing."

           Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee
for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try
the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to
get it for me right now so I don't have to see that moron face of yours any more!"
 
            Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the
emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot
 turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy jerk... "

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.  The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only
one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began
to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he
understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under
the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The
magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's
parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found
himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of
course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with
hate, but did not utter a word.  This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up.  What'd you
do with the boat?"

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A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday.  the parrot was fully
grown, with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary.  Every other word wasan
expletive.  Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.  David
tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words,
playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked.  He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.  he shook
the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.  Finally, in a moment
of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream.  Then
suddenly there was quiet.  Not a sound for half a minute.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the
freezer door.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and
said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior.  I really am truly sorry and
beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask
what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask
what the chicken did?"

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A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked,  multicolored hair that is green,
purple, and orange. His clothes are  tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without
 shoes.  His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and  his earrings are big, bright feathers.

 He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an  old man who just glares at him for
the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you
 looking at, you old fart...didn't you ever do anything wild when you  were young?"

 Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I  was  young and in the Navy, I got really
drunk one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."