- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.

  - A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

  - A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

  - A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

  - An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

  - Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.

  - Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.

  - Celibacy is not hereditary.

  - Familiarity breeds children.

  - For adult education, nothing beats children.

  - God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once.

  - God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

  - Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

  - Having children will turn you into your parents.

  - If a child looks like his father, that's heredity;  if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.

  - If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

  - Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

  - Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

  - It now costs more to amuse a child than it oncedid to educate his father.

  - It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

  - Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

  - Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

  - One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.

  - You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.

  - Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

  - The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

  - There are three ways to get things done:
     1) do it yourself
     2) hire someone to do it
     3) forbid your kids to do it

 - There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set
   going.

 - Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got  one.

- The best thing to spend on your children is time.