--  Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward  your call to
her real number.

 --  Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable  response to
"I love you."

 --  Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

 --  When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,  she'd appear in a
little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

 --  Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack to the ass and a "Nice  hustle, you'll
get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

 --  Birth control would come in ale or lager.

 --  You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd  worked for, like
"Heywood J'Blowme."

 --  Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL  team of your choice.

 --  The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

 --  "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an  acceptable excuse for tardiness.

 --  At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down
the tail of a brontosaurus and right into  your car like Fred Flintstone.

 --  It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned  helmets, and go pillage a
nearby town.

 --  Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

 --  Tanks would be far easier to rent.

 --  Garbage would take itself out.

 --  Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

 --  Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your  wife-to-be with a giant foam hand
that said, "You're #1!"

 --  Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

 --  On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to  go drinking.  Mother's Day, too.

 --  St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. (But it would be celebrated every month.)

 --  Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops.  Or to the crooks.

 --  Two words: Ally McNaked.

 --  Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed  off the Golden Gate Bridge
for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in  world history.

 --  The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

 --  The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night  Football from a Different Camera Angle.

 --  It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you  returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

 --  Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

 --  When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded  with would actually reduce your fine.  As in:
     Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
     You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
     Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

 --  Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

 --  The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

 --  People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

 --  Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

 --  Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.