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I was thinking about old age and decided that
it is when you still have
something on the ball but you are just too
tired to bounce it.
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I thought about making a movie for folks my
age and call it "Pumping Rust"
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I have found at my age going bra-less pulls
all the wrinkles out of my face.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read
the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older - then it dawned on me.....they
were cramming for their
finals!
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You know when people see a cat's litter box,
they always say, "Oh, have
you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say,
"No, it's for company!"
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with little tiny spoons
and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers
use. Perhaps, toothpicks?
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Employment application blanks always ask who
is to be notified in case
of an emergency. I think you should
write . . . A Good Doctor!
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in
the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do . . . write to these men?
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Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the
mailmen could look for them while they deliver
the mail?
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I thought about being rich and it don't mean
so much . . . Just look at
Henry Ford, all those millions and he never
owned a Cadillac!
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If you jogged backward . . .would you gain
weight?
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Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in
a nudist camp?
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I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch
it! There are plenty more ribs
where you came from!"
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I have decided that Nostalgia is the VCR of
our minds.
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Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's
face he gets mad at you but
when you take him in a car he sticks his head
out the window!
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You have to stay in shape! My grandmother.....she
started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today
and we don't know where she is.
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I'm not into working out! My philosophy: No
pain, no pain.
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Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower
than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat
anything you want, but you
must eat it with naked fat people.
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The second day of a diet is always easier
than the first. By the second
day you're off it.
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The reason most people play golf is to wear
clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise.
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I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze
pilots wore helmets.
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If it weren't for electricity we'd all be
watching television by candlelight.
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Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.
Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead. They'll clean it and put it
on a hanger. Next morning buy it
back for seventy-five cents.