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Three men stood
on the platform waiting their turn to be beheaded
by guillotine;
a priest, lawyer and architect/engineer. The
priest was taken
to the block first and when asked whether he
wanted to face
up or down, he said he wanted to face up in order
to see God when
the blade struck. He was placed on the block with
his face up
as requested and the huge blade was dropped, but the
blade stopped
an inch above his neck! The crowd gasped. It was
considered a
sign of his innocence and he was freed.
The lawyer was
then led to the block and asked the same question.
He said he wanted
to face down to see where he was going when the
blade struck.
He was placed on the block with his face down and
the huge blade
was dropped, but again it stopped an inch above
his neck! The
crowd gasped! As before, this was considered a sign
of his innocence
and he was freed.
When the architect/engineer
was led to the block and asked which
way he wanted
to face he said he wanted to face up and so he was
placed on the
block with his face up looking at the blade and
scaffolding
holding it. Seconds before the blade dropped, he
turned his head
toward the executioner and said "STOP! I think I
see what the
problem is".
"What's for dinner?"
A concerned husband
went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He
says to the
doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she
never hears
me the first time and always asks me to repeat
things." "Well,"
the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand
about 15 feet
from her and say something to her. If she doesn't
reply move about
5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this
so that we'll
get an idea about the severity of her deafness".
Sure enough,
the husband goes home and does exactly as
instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the
kitchen as she
is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey,
what's for dinner?"
He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet
closer and asks
again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no
reply. He gets
fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch
away, and asks
again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies,
"For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
Pope
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The Pope met with his cardinals
to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of
Israel. "Your Holiness," said one
of the Cardinals, "Mr.. Netanyahu wants to challenge
you to a game of golf to show the
friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and
Catholic faiths." The Pope thought
it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his
hand. "Don't we have a cardinal
to represent me?" he asked. "None that plays golf very well," a
cardinal replied. "But,"
he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who
is a devout Catholic. We can offer
to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin
Netanyahu as your personal representative.
In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation,
we'll also win the match." Everyone
agreed it was a good idea.
The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus
was honored and agreed to play. The day after the
match, Nicklaus reported to the
Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news
and some bad news, Your Holiness,"
said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal
Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well,
your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played
some pretty terrific rounds of
golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I
must have been inspired from above.
My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and
purposeful and my putting was perfect.
With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by
three strokes."
Guys of the Asphalt"
In the afternoon
this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby
lake and relax.
On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head
to toe in red
standing on the side of the highway gestures him to
stop. Our guy
rolls down the window. "How can I help you?"
"I am the red
bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"
With a smile
in his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the
red dressed
guy and drives away. Not even five minutes thereafter
he comes across
another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully
in yellow, standing
on the side and waving him to stop.
A bit irritated
our guy stops, cranks down the window. "What can
I do for you?"
"I am the yellow
bastard of the asphalt, you got something to
drink?" Hardly
managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a
can of coke
and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In
order to make
it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go
faster and not
to stop no matter what.
To his frustration
he sees another guy on the side, dressed all
in blue, making
a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our
guy decides
to stop a last time, rolls his window down and yells
to the guy,
"So, let me guess, you're the blue bastard of the
asphalt and
just what the hell do you wanna have?"
"Driver's license
and registration, please."