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Great story, supposedly true.
Louis Armstrong was flying back
from Europe, and on the same plane was
then-Congressman Richard Nixon.
Nixon was apparently a fan of Louis and
they chatted throughout the flight.
When they arrived in New York, Louis
said to Nixon, listen I'm an old
man and I've got all this stuff
to carry, why don't you carry my trumpet
for me and help me out?
And that is the story of how Richard
Nixon carried Louis Armstrong's
stash of weed through customs at
the New York airport.
"Ten Years Alone"
This guy is stranded
on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he
sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself,
"It's not a
ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks,
"It's not a
boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks,
"It's not a
raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous
blonde woman,
wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to
the guy and
she says, "How long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over,
unzips this waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls
out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one,
lights it, takes
a long drag and says, "Man , oh man! Is that
good!"
Then she asked,
"How long has it been since you've had a drink of
whiskey?
"He replies,
"Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof
pocket on the
right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He
takes a long
swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts
unzipping this long zipper that runs down the
front of her
wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it
been since you've
had some REAL fun?"
And the mans
replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf
clubs in there!"
"Birth Control"
Three women were
just visiting, and the subject of birth control
came up. The
first women said "because of my religion I can't use
birth control".
The second women said, "my husband and I use the
rythem method".
The third women said, "my husband and I use the
bucket-and-saucer
method". She was asked how did that work? She
said, I'm 5'11
and my husband is 5'2. When we have sex, he stands
on the bucket.
When his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the
bucket out from
under him.
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In the back woods of Alabama, the
redneck's wife went into labor in
the middle of the night,
and the doctor was called out to assist in
the delivery. Since there was no
electricity, the doctor handed the
father-to-be a lantern and said,
"Here, you hold this high so I can
see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into
the world. "Whoa there," said the
doctor. "Don't be in a rush
to put the lantern down...I think there's
yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had
delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry
to be putting down that
lantern...It seems there's yet
another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The Redneck scratched his head in
bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light
that's attractin' 'em?"