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  A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please
read the following carefully.......
 
      I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no
longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract
was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I
now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin
and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get
longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
 
      However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands
with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus.  His side of the family is from the South Pole. He
shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:
 
      1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
 reads:   "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
 
     2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And
Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please
have an empty spit can handy.
 
      3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon
dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple
of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks
Bubba's fireplace.
 
      4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..."
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and
Petty."
 
      5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
 likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
 
      6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
 have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words
"Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh
back as well. It is a  Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and
the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
 
     7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
"Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba
Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
 
      8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
 wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
 
      9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me
like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus
Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played
on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd
Over by a Reindeer.
 
     Sincerely Yours,
     Santa Clause (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)